In last nights entry I mentioned how uncomfortable and paranoid I felt at the BBQ yesterday. I received a phone call from my good friend Leah.B who was surprised that I felt these two emotions.
Leah is a good pal and I was neither offended nor insulted with her questioning but I found it rather perplexing that my friends and family always perceived that I was ok with being the fat chick. Let me ad right about here, have you ever met anybody who is cool with being fat? Sadly people assume that because you have always been fat that you are content in your skin. Man…this just leaves me exasperated.
Leah made a comment along the lines of: “I cant believe YOU feeling uncomfortable and paranoid, you are always so lively and happy and the life of any party” It made me think what a fucking unreal actress I must have been to have convinced people and friends that I was sooo okay with me being Fat Reney. Little did they know the inner turmoil and self-hatred I went through and still go through albeit not on a daily basis anymore but its still there.
When I get these feelings of gloom and yukness it kind of makes me remember that I am still a vulnerable human being and it takes me back to that rawness and sense of defeat and failure, It also triggers off a sad disappointment in me as it reminds me of how badly I let myself down. Fuck this is sounding so “defeatist” and I am ashamed and embarrassed that I am admitting to this.
I guess these friends have not experienced what it feels like to look at your reflection and what looks back at you just makes your skin crawl. The fact that when I did indeed look in the mirror I tried to look through my reflection or dart my eyes away to what I was wearing rather than looking at me as a whole. I must add that I am getting better with my reflection. I am building my confidence and inner happiness when I look in the mirror. In fact I will say that I am finally connecting with me, and that is truly a great feeling.
Peace Out!!!
Reney
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3 comments:
Reney honey you are not alone and are definitely not a freak. I hate my reflection in the mirror- body that is and I have 12 more years and many kilos ahead on you.
My face is starting to follow my tits and beginning to sag and droop- very sad
Went to see the surgeon today and it's nearly the beginning of my 6 month and I have lost 22 kg-Quite happy with that. Plateaus have plagued me but am loving the fact that I've lost 2 sizes. A third of the way there now to my final goal. It will probably take 18-24 months but knowing that it won't come back is just bliss.
On the topic of skinny girls, I reckon some rely so heavily on the figure that they become devoid of personality- the ultimate "tit and Twot and nothin'up top" whereas girls of larger , more voluptuous proportions like ourselves develop the personality and hence become the life of the party. Scrape the surface and the insecurities lurk.
Just thought I'd share my theory and observations and let you know you are not and island...you may have recently given birth to some(lol) but never are alone.
Auntie J
Reney, I sooooo know where you're coming from! I also get people who can't believe I suffer with depression because I'm always so bright and bubbly! I should have about a dozen Academy Awards! People without a weight problem also don't realise that we tend to be the one making the jokes so that we don't end up the brunt of the jokes - I know that's my little ruse - not always successful though. But just think how awesome we'll be when the weight comes off - we'll have both the body and the personality!!!! Watch out world - the formerly fat chicks are coming to conquer!!!
Maree
R.
I honestly did not think that you of all people would have had an issue with your weight. You exude confidence and utter fabulousness.
I have never had a weight issue in my life ever, even when I was pregnant with Khlo. so i guess I never really understood why overweight people went on about there weight.
You have made me seen the light my sweet!
Leah.B.
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