Monday, 7 January 2008


Hi all!!

I am still alive and well but no longer use this blog account for MANY reasons. Seems that too many "family" and "friends" were getting to know a bit too much about my life and some people felt that it meant that having a blog I was open season for their disapproval and verbal attacks. (I know they all mean well but hey I dont wanna hear it)

SO, if you want to email me at I will be more than happy to give you my new blog addy.

Rock on my friends!!


Monday, 10 December 2007

Day 200- Taking a break from my blog...

I’m taking a little break from writing my blog. Its not forever as I love doing my blog as it allows me to really express myself as much as it irks some people. You can’t keep this fat chick down.

Life just seems to be really busy at the moment and I feel that if I cant put 100 percent into this then I am cheating myself and I guess you the reader.

So much is going on in my life at the moment…I am feeling extremely lost and disillusioned. I guess you could say I am at a cross roads in life. Have you ever stood at a cross road and looked to one side and seen and I guess desired new beginnings and then looked to the other side and seen routine and normality and no changes whatsoever? Well if you have experienced that then you might understand how I am feeling.

Anyways…I want to wish you all a gorgeous Christmas and a safe New Year. To all those who haven’t been banded yet, motherfuckers eat as much as you can possibly stuff in (hee hee) and to the ones that have had the band like myself I pray that Xmas is a beautiful spew free day. A joyous time with all your family and friends around you, take a moment and feel thankful to have what we have.

Big love and hugs and more from me in the New Year!!!


Friday, 7 December 2007

Day 197 – Go, go, go…

From the second I have woken up today it’s literally been a case of go, go, go.

I had to take Elvis to “crèche” (my parents home) and then race to the ATM, to the post box to post a pile of letters, to the petrol station and be at work by 8.00am.

I walked in at 8.10am and the phones went off and the entire day there were people everywhere. At one point I felt like there were people throwing themselves at me. All of them wanting my attention, and wanting it now. I kept chanting under my breath 2 weeks to go, 2 weeks to go.

So after work mum and I raced to the organic supermarket and stocked up on groceries and finally got the opportunity to sit down, sip our lattes and just relax. It was divine sitting on the coffee shops sofa and slipping my shoes off and ahhhhhh just so joyous.

I finally made it home by 8.oopm and the very second I walked in the door my friend Leah dropped by. We sat on the back patio sipping a glass of red but I only managed 3 sips and that was it for me. I got dizzy and just did not feel like anymore.

It’s now close to 11pm and there is so much I need to do and I just don’t know where to begin.

Peace Out!!!


Thursday, 6 December 2007

Day 196 – First Fight with ManBoy but hot darn I wish this read FIST fight with ManBoy, as I want to belt the crap out of him!!!

Ohmigod! I have never, ever, EVER had to deal with such rude, arrogant, pompous, snobbish arseholes like I had to endure last night. Please note I include ManBoy in that group as well.

So I got dressed and ManBoy picked me up and off we went. We get to the venue say our hellos and I was introduced to a few people I had not met before. I was nodded at or smiled to and not one of the cunts said a “HELLO” not one. Is nodding the new way to say hello?

Now let me quick remind you that these people are just sales assistants. Yes I am sounding very snobbish I know and hey there is nothing wrong with being a sales assistant but having said that you would have thought that these people were mega rich super stars or doctors or lawyers or something the way they were acting. Their shit don’t stink.

This anorexic fake tittie, okay she was gorgeous, mole jumps all over ManBoy hugging and kissing him whilst he is standing there holding my hand!!! (Ahhhh hello I’m huge you can’t miss me I was thinking to myself.) ManBoy withdrew from her embrace and introduces me to her and she looks down at me, as she was close to six foot and I aint that tall, and says “oh yeah, hi” (Oh yeah hi? Oh yeah hi? Are you for fucking real mole?) I was twitching to say something, but alas I had to keep my mouth shut.

We sit down and for the first half hour or so I was not acknowledged, my presence was almost non-existent and yes I tried very hard to be included in their conversations but do you know how humiliating it is when you say something and no one acknowledges or recognizes you or what you have just said? I was mortified and every time I spoke there was just this awkward silence. I get the feeling I am not liked. Don’t you?

ManBoy initially looked very uncomfortable and kept trying to include me in the discussion and the work gossip but sadly that still didn’t help any thing and he slowly leant his entire upper body forward and was resting his chin on his knuckles and I was completely blocked out of their view. Happy Fucking Christmas I thought to myself.

By this stage my eyes had teared up and I was read to let the rivers of Babylon unleash themselves. Its amazing how strong I became at that precise minute as I concentrated on my breathing and did one of my breathing exercises which consists of quietly inhaling in, right in, and keep inhaling until the point of you about to gasp and then slowly, ever so slowly releasing it out. Whoosh. I did this 4 times and my tears went away. I kept telling myself over and over again that it was okay that these people didn’t like me and never had liked me that was cool. It was their loss as I am a funny sheila!!! They had judged me on what and who they thought I might be, they had not judged my character or me for ME. Its okay I told myself. It didn’t matter. I just had to get through tonight and I would never ever have to see them again.

I then had one of the managers whom I will refer to as Kee come over and sit next to me and start talking to me. Really talking to me and wanting to find out about me. Barbie and her titties along with her little friends did nothing but send me black daggers by the way they were looking at me. Oh how I wanted to stand up, give them the bird and scream out “waz up motherfucker?”

Kee was the only person who spoke to me the entire evening, he actually said to me to “don’t mind them, they are a pack of bitches and the guys are just goons” I laughed out aloud, I just knew that if I didn't laugh I was going to cry!

We ordered our meals and I excused myself from the table to Kee and I grabbed my handbag and decided to walk home. I had had enough and ManBoy had not spoken one word to me the bulk of the evening. So fuck you ManBoy I thought to myself and fuck you to your little uneducated moronic workmates. I slung my bag over my shoulder and managed the 30-minute walk home. I cried hysterically all the way home.

I walked past my parent’s street but kept on going, as I didn’t want them to see how unhappy I was. I got home hugged my dog and cried some more and then waited for ManBoy. I waited some more and some more. I kept checking my mobile for messages; I even rang my own mobile just in case it wasn’t working. It was working.

The bastard cunt motherfucker rings me at 11.45 pm and says, “Where are you?” Where am I? I’m at home you piece of shit. And then my friends I unleashed and spewed forth the vilest concoction of words and abuse. Do you want to know what was hilarious? He says to me “I think you are over reacting” Over reacting motherfucker?

We spent the next 2 hours on the phone and I told him that I thought it would be best if he left me alone for a few days so that I may cool down.

I switched my mobile off today and every time ManBoy called me at work I hung up on him. I am very upset that I was treated this way and yeah okay maybe I am a fucking diva but I would never treat somebody I claimed to care about in that manner.

Food wise I am super dooper hungry and all I can think about is food. Am I hungry? No not in the slightest. I’m just emotional, I am angry and I am self-hating myself today which in turns brings out the emotional eating. I also noticed myself scoffing food down all day long. I guess I’ve been on a good wicket for a while with my food so this is my first binge day in nearly 7 months. I am not justifying my actions in the slightest I guess I am just trying to find a positive; any positive in this infinite sadness I am experiencing. I wish I had the gift of not eating when I was upset and sad.

Tomorrow is another day and I will try my hardest to make it a happy positive day and I will try my darnest to get out of this funk I am in. I’ve just had a rough week “boy wise” what with Alister, and now with ManBoy. I am so fucking angry with both of them and THIS is exactly why I don’t do relationships. Alister I can justify his actions as he has always treated me like this but I guess I feel deflated that ManBoy showed me his insensitive and piggish side. Better now then later I guess.

Are ManBoy and I over? From my end I don’t think so…I just need for him to realize and understand where I was coming from and that I am not over-reacting. Also the fact that I walked home alone in the dark by myself didn't even concern him. Is this what he is like when having had a drink?

I’ve also been having a shit of a time at work these last 2 weeks to the point where I contemplated resigning. I feel no respect and I fell like my efforts are just a crock of shit. I am clashing with a certain work colleague (which I find rather hilarious) but in the same breath cleaning up people's fuck ups, stupid pathetic fuck ups...Im just over it! Like the saying goes “when it rains it pours”

Anyways…tonight saw me having a drink with my heavily pregnant (due in 2 weeks) friend Row. We only had a glass of wine each and I sipped it over the course of 2 hours and I felt fine. It was lovely having a drink with her. We had dinner at this gorgeous Japanese restaurant (Japanese food used to be my favorite) but unfortunately Japanese food doesn’t go down very easily (or could it be that I am so tense that nothing can go down?)

So that’s been my last 24 hours and I end tonight with BRING ON THE XMAS BREAK before I have an emotional breakdown.


Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Day 195 – The silly season is here…

Well December is defiantly here and they don’t call it the silly season for no reason. There is so much on and everyone wants to catch up or they have organized some do. The craziness starts as from NOW. Sadly, everything is all based around food. Its food here, its food there its food fucking everywhere.

I had an RDO off work today and I had all these plans to do all this stuff around my home yet I spent the entire day running from one place to another.

I went to pick up my goddaughter Dee from pre-school and then picked up her eldest sister from school. Fucking contraception is all that I can say. There were kids running around everywhere and one was crying and one was screaming and one had snot pouring out of her nose and one was questioning me. We walked back to my car and man I just felt sooooo drained. How do parents do this on a daily basis? Then Gee and I went for coffee at Chady and the girls spilt water everywhere and I was thinking if I sit here and visualize my ovaries drying up will that prompt my ovaries to turn crispy quickly?

Anyways, food has been good but sadly I barfed up lunch. I had my V8 juice for breakfast, lunch was pasta salad, cut to me barfing all over my parent’s toilet bowl and dinner was nachos with Gee and the girls. Not very nutritious today but that’s all cool. Tomorrow is another day and one bad food choice day won’t kill me. Right?

Tonight I’m off to accompany ManBoy to his work Christmas Party which should be fun. Well no, let me be honest. I don’t really like his work colleagues, as they are “Fat Hate”. They have this tendency of looking down and saying smug remarks about fat people. They make me feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious. Is this not a form of discrimination?

Anyways, if I get home early enough I shall write and tell you how it all went otherwise I will talk to you all tomorrow.

Wish me luck!!!


Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Day 194 – It’s been a good day…

It’s been a good day both on the emotional front and on the lap band front. Food has been great and everything stayed down. Woohoo! You can’t ask for more can you?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Alister and the fact that as much as he is a wonderful human being to others he thrives on making my life a misery by treating me like shit. I realize that I am in control of this. I have unconsciously or maybe even subconsciously allowed him to do this so now I need to turn it around and throw this bullshit back into his face and calmly walk away. He enjoys razzing me up and I allow it.

What’s ironic is that I am usually so POW in your face and screaming about injustices yet with him I sit here and blink, scratch my head in disbelief and then stew in anger. No more. No, no more. For my health and sanity I say it here I am walking away and for the first time I am not going to look back.

I had dinner at my parents and then raced home and called Bee. We are trying to hook up a time to catch up before Xmas but we are both so frightfully busy. Tonight is my only night off and my only night of being at home and chilling out.

Bee and I spoke for a while on the phone and had an amazing chat. I have to say how lovely it is, and I know I am repeating myself as I have said that a million times before, but I cant believe how much I enjoy comparing the lap band with Bee and also we get into these rather deep, deep conversations, psychoanalyzing situations, events, people and each other. I love deep convos like this. Each and every conversation I have with Bee I hang up and have a million gazillion thoughts, ideas, views, and opinions running around in my little brain.

I then relaxed into the sofa when Sexy T rang up and made me feel good about myself. He made me laugh so much as he recalled some very funny moments that we shared in the past. The funniest one was both T and I have always been caffeine freaks. The stronger the hit the better. So one day T asked me to walk across the road from our then work place to a fancy shmansy restaurant and go and order us strong lattés. T handed me the money and I came back with the lattés and all the money. The barista told me it was on the house (we were regulars at his particular restaurant so he knew who we were). We decided that we would get take away coffees from this restaurant every day after lunch and the goal was to see what we could get for free. Stealing was considered a for “free”. To cut a very long and boring story short T and I had he giggles so bad tonight. Just before we kissed each other via the phone line (you know what I mean right? we both went mwah down the phone) T said that he was glad to hear that I was laughing. I don’t know dead set what I would do if I didn’t have this wonderful man in my life.

In a nutshell my evening has been one of catching up with friends and family whether it be via email or telephone.

That’s the juice for the day.


Monday, 3 December 2007

Day 193 – 2 Nights in Paris.

Pic from the movie: 2 Nights in Paris

I had a night filled with tossing and turning and just sheer agro. Sleep came I reckon at about 3am and I had a vivid dream that consisted of me marrying Mika and I was dressed in a hot pink tux and Mika in a grey tux and we ran around the church holding hands and there was just color everywhere. Fucking nuts.

The alarm went off at 6.30 and I surprisingly just got up switched the coffee machine on and went into “get ready for work mode”. Work was good but I was in the shits once again and in my own world. I did my job and sulked at the same time.

It was nice to see my friends and family rally around me and help cheer me up and make me see “the light”. None more special than Maree who sent me funny emails, my mum who continuously rang me to tell me I was a beautiful woman and I needed to concentrate on the path that I am on and then my soul mate T who kept sending me rude and funny sms messages and getting secret phone calls from T who kept ringing to check up on me and tell me that I was a goddess. And of course my bestie V who took me to the movies this evening. Ahhh shucks I felt special.

Straight after work tonight my bestie V and I went to the movies to a special pre-release screening of a movie called 2 nights in Paris. Which starred Julie Delphy who also wrote and directed the film. Fucking awesome movie and had some really funny scenes. There was one scene that had V and I screaming from laughter and making the people in front of us turn around and just stare at us. We were in fits of laughter. We saw it at The Rivoli in Camberwell and it was a gorgeous cinema…very 1920’s feel about it.

After the movie we went off to dinner and hung around chatting it was nice that my dear friend realized I really needed cheering up and it was nice that she wasn’t harassing me about how I was feeling, whether I was ok and all that shit. As we were leaving the restaurant I bumped into an old friend Stuart and his significant other Ronald. Stuart said I was looking great and I have to say this was just another ego boost that I needed to hear. I could have stood there all night yakking away with these two. What is it with gay men and me?

It was a great night yet my bed awaits. Thanks to all of you for your help, advice and support. It means the world to me.

Tomorrow is a NEW day and one that wont have we wallowing in my own self pity.

Big hugs and love