Day 169 – Ohhh fuck a case of cock throat!!!

Yes folks you read right. I have the worst case of cock throat imaginable. My throat is soo sore and my limbs are so weak. I’m getting sick bugger it.

Having said that it’s Friday YAYYY end of the week and it’s been a long working week for me even though all I have worked is 2 days total. Yeah, yeah, slack Reney.

I got to work and whinged about my sore throat and sort of kept to myself as I was and am feeling like shite. Ohhh the drama (hahahahaha) I am such a drama queen.

Work was productive considering my cock throat and I managed to get a whole lot done. I had a patient walk in today look at my head and say “Ohhh how Emo” I almost died! Hahahaha, then I had, Ash our trainee nurse let out a “Marilyn Manson’s got nothing on you” GREAT!!! I look like a freak with this blue black head!!

Food wise I have actually experienced a little bit of hunger but due to cock throat it feels like I am swallowing razor blades so I kept solid foods to a minimum and stuck to warm liquids. This is a blessing in disguise as I am sure I would have eaten quite a bit otherwise. My band definitely appreciated the warmth though. I notice that every time I drink hot drinks I can actually feel instant warmth along my band. Please don’t think I am insane by writing that down but I truly do feel it.

Today had me thinking about Christmas. It’s quickly come up on us and this will be my first year celebrating Christmas and having the lap band. I must admit this out aloud but I am rather…I don’t know how to best describe what I am feeling...maybe apprehensive, scared and anxious.

Christmas is a celebration so focused around food. Every single year from the second I wake up I used to “snack” on chocolates, biscuits cakes and then get to my parents house and do nothing but eat solidly for like 10 hours. Fall into a food coma type of sleep and then wake up and start eating again. It’s gluttonous and disgusting but I am going to really miss that. Am I alone in feeling like this? Am I alone in feeling like I am, in a weird sort of way, that I am actually “mourning” food?

I know that at the beginning of my journey I seriously did mourn the fact that my good friend FOOD was no longer going to be my friend. FOOD bought me so much comfort, so much joy, made so many wonderful feelings race through my body. Made me feel high.

Now almost 6 months down the track I no longer have this sick obsessed relationship with food in fact I can proudly say that food no longer really interests me. It’s not what I think about anymore. It’s not what I search for like a drug addict searches for their next hit. I believe that I have a wonderful relationship with and towards food, I only eat good quality, organic, home made food (the majority of the time) and I don’t crave the fast food junky stuff. But with Christmas a mere 6 weeks away I am starting to worry.

I had a wonderful conversation with Bee the other day and we discussed at great length the fact that a lot of us would tell ourselves NO we cant eat that, therefore we would deprive ourselves of eating say a biscuit. Then what would happen? Well we would gorge, overeat, binge on the actual thing that we deprived ourselves of. Both Bee and I have now taken a different approach to food and that is if I feel like a piece of chocolate then I have it. I don’t deprive myself of anything but it’s just more a matter of working it into my “meal plan”.

Building a better relationship with food I feel is the key factor of the lap band being successful. Well that’s what I believe.

I remember a sleepless night not long ago that had me trying to think back as to when my food binge obsession began. Sadly, I cannot pinpoint the exact time as I seem to have deliberately erased that from my memory bank. I want to get to that point though. I want to know what tipped me over the edge. I was not a fat child and I was okay as a teenager and then …well then it all went pear shaped and no pun intended here.

Is it funny to say that I need closure from this deliberately erased moment? I want to come to grips with this warped damaging obsessive relationship I have with food. Will I ever be cured? I don’t think it will ever go away, but I believe that day by day I am getting better and better.

My cousin Gee just the other day mentioned how her mum, my aunt, thinks and meal plans each and every day from the minute she wakes up. She sort of organises what her husband and herself are going to eat, then worries about what Gee and her husband are going to eat and then worries about what the grandchildren are going to eat. I could only nod my head in sheer understanding as I used to be the EXACT same way. I was almost ready to burst out crying and say “Gee, I used to be JUST like that”. If anybody understands this woman then it’s me. We are identical with our obsession with food. It’s freaky.

I remember once reading an article with Steven Tyler form Aerosmith (mad band!) who was asked whether he still thought about or craved drugs. Steven Tyler was a big user and when I say big I mean BIG (by his own admission of course) and he said something along the lines of that he made soooo much money in the 70’s but sadly he snorted it all up his nose and then went on to say that to this day the junk still called out his name and he fought that every single day of his life. I can relate to that.

Anyways…it’s been lovely chatting but I best stop as I am sure I am boring you all to smithereens. May the up and coming weekend be a wonderful one filled with joy, happiness, goodness, loveness and all the nice things you can think of.

My personal goal this weekend is to shake this fat arse of mine and do a ton of exercise. I plan on doing 4 x 30 minute jogs (spread out over the weekend of course) and I plan on running up and down my back steps with ankle weights on for 15 minutes x 4. I wonder if I will achieve this goal.

Be good to one another!!


Reney