Well I had a good cry last night, which resulted in me throwing a pair of rolled up socks up against the wall. I wish I had a punching bag, as I am sure I would have unleashed some of my misery onto it.
I calmed down and talked myself out of this gloomy feeling and told myself that 19 kilos was a good amount of weight loss. It was 19 kilos off my body rather than on my body. I think I realized what my issue is. Well I have always known about my issue but I guess I have never admitted it out aloud. I have a low self-esteem issue (I can hear you all screaming at your computer screen “Well Der Fred Reney!!!”)
You know I’m 37 years old and never in my entire existence of being have I thought I was attractive or beautiful or worth much. I hope that what I have just said doesn’t sound like I am expecting people to constantly tell me that I am beautiful and how wonderful I am, as I’m not. That’s high maintenance shit and that’s just not me. I am trying to express what’s ticking in my little brain. I have an issue with how I look.
I guess at the end of the day I was also expecting a lot from me. I always aim high and have high expectations for myself. I have said it before but I really am my own worst critic. I will continue to stay focused and I will follow my surgeon’s instructions and if he says no hard exercise then that’s the way it has to be.
Talking to Andrew and Nick (the boys at work) they both said that Mr. Wonderful Surgeon was on the right path, as they believed that by stopping all this activity my metabolism would most likely do a different kind of kick-start. I don’t know what I would do without the guidance and advice of my boys at work. They can be a bunch of good bitches sometimes.
My passion to succeed is still present and I will always stay focused and driven. Nothing will break that. Nothing will break me. Nothing.
So enough gloom and doom. Last night I managed 3 spoonfuls of organic pumpkin soup and it was over red rover for me. I feel a lot of restriction and it was all good for a little while. I sadly had a case of the spews.. They arrived and with plenty of warning. My chest felt really tight and I paced around my house for about an hour and then it was on for young and old. I hurled and spewed all over the place.
This morning saw me waking up with the worst sore throat. Don’t be grossed out with what I am about to say but it was a serious case of “Cock Throat”. My lovely T. taught me that one, so all hate mail can be directed in his direction thanks. My throat was red roar, sore and on fire. Also because of all the vomiting I had the croakiest voice. Oh the pain, the pain!!!
So I have to say that restriction is in the house. This morning I decided to sip some water for breakfast and slowly ease or progress myself to something more substantial. I have decided on the advise of a lot of my readers that I am going to force myself to eat 3 meals, basically more food, cease eating like a sparrow and see what happens. . I got myself a takeaway coffee this morning and that took me a little over 4 hours to get through. For lunch I managed a cup of continental chicken noodle soup. I drank the whole cup and that took me 40 minutes to get through and all seemed to go down okay. Dinner was 5 spoonfuls of Organic Pumpkin and Ginger Soup and thus far all is peachy.
Restriction is definitely here and I am not eating much at all which is the whole purpose of the surgery. I didn’t do any exercise tonight as per Mr. Wonderful Surgeon’s instructions and I really am craving being out in the sun today and in the fresh air. I guess that’s why I was so upset yesterday as it has taken me so long to get back into being so fit and moving and now that I am hooked on exercise I have been asked to put the brakes on. That sucks…but I know it will all end up okay, it always does right? In a month I will get back into the swing of things.
I just wanted to end today’s entry by thanking all YOU guys for all your support, advice, your emails, your text messages, your phone calls. Thanks heaps your words helped me see some reason and sort of made me realize how intensely anal retentive I can be and that I need to, if I may quote the gorgeous Maree here, “Chillax.”
Big hugs and thanks to you all.
I’m off to mop my floors!!!
Reney
3 comments:
Can totally relate to the never feeling attractive. Or I'd get the "you've got such a pretty face, if you just lost some weight you'd be gorgeous", yeah, gee thanks for that.
Don't know about you Reney, but I find if I make a conscious effort to halt the negative self talk (i.e. you're not thin enough, you're not pretty enough etc etc) and concentrate on my good bits - I feel soooooo much better in myself. I've also learnt to take a compliment, just say thankyou and take it on board, instead of answering yeah right, or giving a reason why they're wrong.
I think most of us struggle with self esteem and if there was a pill to fix it, I'd be lining up! But there aint so just baby steps and be kind to yourself. Losing weight isn't gonna solve it, but it will help.
Keep it in focus Reney, and enjoy the positivity exuded by your lovely T and all your friends (and the stalker blog reading ones too, like me!!!)
Maree
It's me I'm back...of course with a little pearl of wisdom as befits my age. All that exercise has released endorphins which make you happy. As your body craves the exercise to maintain the mental high, go for a stroll and enjoy the sunshine...they do have that in Melbourne right LOL. Have some tomato soup (Vit B) and look to the positive. Say in the mirror... Reney you are not a failure cause 19 kg is a shitload of weight kiddo. Get things that are in your cupboard that will weigh 19 kg and put them in a bag and try to carry them about. Your body is thanking you for losing that amount of weight. Be loud and be proud sweetie and don't put yourself down verbally or mentally as I was told once there are plenty of people out there to do it for you. Look at the cup as being half full and not half empty and in the end if all else fails get that black dildo out at beaat yourself over the head... although it wouldn't be what I'd do with it. NOW THAT WOULD PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE and wouldn't give you "cock throat" LOL
Jules
Hey all,
Maree dead set you are like a ray of sunshine. Thank you for your sensible and realistic words. You are truly an amazing human being.
Jules you too have always managed to make me see the positive and realize what a toff I can sometimes be.
Thanks guys I really do appreciate it!
Reney
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