Its funny how there are moments in my life when I am too scared to succeed. I am a strong confident woman (when I want to be) and I somehow manage to convince myself that being fat is “safe”. Does anybody out there understand me when I say this? I hope to God that there is at least one other person who is like me.
I also don’t take no for an answer. I am very strong willed and extremely stubborn. If I disagree with something then stay out of my way as I won’t back down and I will fight for what I believe is right. So having said all that how fucked am I that I cant take emotional care of ME when I need to?
I’ve tried explaining this to my loved ones but they just don’t seem to understand me. I sat back last night thinking about my past. Trying to psychoanalyze my relationship with food. Admittedly things have changed now that I have had the surgery but there are still moments in my daily life when I think about food. Its bizarre as there are moments when I have no desire whatsoever to eat yet I have food on my mind. I guess that this indicates that my battle and the battle that goes on in my head with food hasn’t gone and sadly will probably never ever leave me. I guess it’s like a drug addict who is clean but still craves that hit or that high.
As I sit here typing this I have come to the realization or better yet it has hit me like a piece of 4x4 plywood in my face that when I used to gorge on food I was denying myself of what was really upsetting me. This form of denial I guess has been very damaging and its something that maybe as a child I didn’t mature or progress into, dealing with what was really bugging me. Presently I’ve got my head in the right place again and I pray that it stays this way.
Anyways, enough deep psychobabble!!! I had ManBoy around this evening for a quick coffee. He didn’t stay long as I am fighting the dreaded lurgy and he didn’t want to “contract the disease” as he so politely put it (I'm being sarcastic with the politely comment) we swapped books (yeah we are book geeks) and had a lovely chat.
Food wise I have stuck to liquids and I still feel restriction and am content with my meals. I have consciously eaten my three meals even though I have not been hungry and I have noticed that when I am sipping water I am only managing tiny little sips. I used to be able to guzzle my water but not so after this second fill.
So that’s my juice for the day.
Reney
6 comments:
I understand what you mean by being fat and feeling "safe" that is going to be my hardest thing to get over as i lose this weight. Stuff that has happened in the past, i have felt safe from, from being over weight, I need to get that sorted, brad said i need to see a shrink to get it all out etc and over with.
Anyways, glad you still have restriction, does a fill honestly hurt? haha i see surgeon on 12th and i know im not going to get one then, but the next appt after it will be one!! i dont like needles much :P
Mel.!
Babe,
How absolutely radiant, sexy and gorgeous are you looking? you look absolutely positvely stunning!!
Look at your beautiful shrinking face, that sexy décolletage.
I am proud of you honey for opening up some more and letting people know how and what you are feeling.
Love ya hun
T.
Hey Reney
yep, that is me too... In fact I could have written your post! But Ive also realised that my pre-band cycles of being very strict with food followed by huge binge sessions were also my body rebelling against restrictive dieting.
I always considered my punishment for my gluttonous/greedy moments to be my obesity. When 'dieting' I never allowed myself to eat things I enjoyed, I stood in the supermarket reading the fat content on labels and bought the one with the least fat, even if it tasted like shit. I never made selections based on taste, quality and personal preference, but rather on whether or not they had low enough fat or were within my 'points' allowance (or whatever other system I was following at the time).
But then conversely, when I could hack it no more and my willpower had completely failed me, I would hoover up any and every delicious morsel faster than a scene from the Matrix..... as a reward for sticking with the punishment (?!?)
go figure?
take it easy, its a jungle out there but you are doing mighty fine.
Angel
Yet again Reney, you're inside my head! Yes being fat is "safe", if people don't like me, it's because I'm fat, if I don't achieve something, it's because I'm fat. Sub consciously I think, ok, but what if I lose weight and people still don't like me, or I still can't achieve what I want.... then I would have to face the fact that yep, it's just me!!! Not the fatness!!
Tough to acknowledge and even tougher to overcome. But just remember, only YOU think these thoughts - no one else and only YOU can control them.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission and it's true.... you decide how much of other people's shit you take on, so why do we have so much trouble filtering the shit we give ourselves!!!
Be kind to you, take time for you and learn to love again...... the most wonderful person in your life... YOU!
Maree
Hi Reney
I have been a keen reader of your blog and I want to say that you are so brutally honest. You are a great writter and your wit is just the best.
I have to say that I like it alot when you write down the deep stuff its almost like i the reader become you or I feel your pain or your feelings.
Keep it up the great work and be proud of who you are.
Steven.N.
Hey All,
Firstly Mel, seeing a shrink is not a bad idea and I used to see one on a weekly basis and then stopped, I sometimes think I need to go back. I find that if I am fat I can blame that for my issues and not blame myself and my the stupid choices I made in my past. As for the restriction, I have now had 2 fills and they have NEVER hurt me.
T. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life but you know what would make things easier for me? Stop being a poof and marry me (hee hee...I am crying from laughter) In all seriousness, you are an amazing friend and support. You are my soul mate and my rock and for that I love you heaps and lots and much!!! (Now I am singing that Michael Bolton song - Said I loved you but I lied...do you remember singing that to each other at Marco's party!!!! Hahahahaha hilarious and do you remember the dancing in the guitar solo bit?? hahahahahaha)
Angel, thanks for leaving your comments but I must ask are you my shadow??? Its almost like you have stood next to me and watched me in the supermarket. Freaky!!!
Maree, thank you always for the lovely inspirational comments you leave me. You are a wonderful human being!!
Steven.N, thanks for reading and thanks for your lovely comments.
Much love to you all
Reney
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