Day 109 - Alcoholism VS Obesity

Last night was great. I spent the majority of the night reading, catching up on APEC news and wrestling with Elvis. Now I have to say that I have been very good about not voicing my views and opinions on APEC but now the Reney Wrath cannot contain herself any longer. Are you ready for this? Firstly the Australian Government has spent our money (meaning taxpayers money) on RIOT squads rather than funding education and health. Which to me are far more important than some RIOT squad. This is not some war torn country that needs a RIOT squad.

It is fucking ridiculous and sad what MY Australia has become. It alarms me that democracy was suspended in downtown Sydney this past week. It’s disgraceful. Now its pretty obvious but I am a Labor voter and I believe that Bob Hawke was a good Prime Minister to this country from 1983 – 1991 but he was an absolute dickhead thinking up this APEC bullshit. Okay no more political mumbo jumbo from me.

I had the amazing opportunity last night to speak to my 5-year-old goddaughter, Dee and her sister Tash. In fact they called me 15 times in a span of 45 minutes. Their mother, who used to be like my sister refused to speak to me on the phone and I don’t know why. I guess that’s just her guilt for being a cow towards me. It hit me last night like lightning when Tash who is 7 (going on 17) told me that her mum and grandma say bad things about me and call me fat. I wasn’t shocked in the slightest but I was appalled how people poison others. I had to laugh though as Tash and Dee apparently yell at their mum and grandma when they bag me out. Justice is served I say!!! It’s all good though, things always happen for a reason and like many times in the past it’s my arse that will be kissed. (And I have to say my arse is getting smaller and smaller as well)

It perplexes me as to why people whether they are related to us, whether they are our friends or whether they are just blog readers want to try and destroy us and bring us down. Why?

You know sometimes I feel like being fat is some sort of infectious disease. Or if you befriend a fatty then you will become “dirty” as they (us fatties) are. Not that we are but I am trying to stress a point here. I know I am not alone in thinking this. My fatness has dictated what and who I am as a person to others. I’m judged on being fat, I am not judged for being ME. It’s mind-boggling.

I have to scratch my head as some people think its cool to be an alchoholic and sobriety is amazing but being fat makes some people fearful and disgusted. Isn’t alcoholism a form of excess just as over eating is? Yet alcoholism is so much more acceptable. Its considered glamorous to go to detox and rehab yet we get dumped on for wanting to change ourselves, we get hate mail and abuse, and hatred because we have all decided that we want to LIVE. Live a long and healthy life.

I’ve said this million times but I seriously thought about dying each and every day due to being so fat and miserable. I was told that I if I didn’t do something about my weight problem and if I continued to binge eat in excess like I was then there was a high probability of me being dead by the time I was 50.

It’s a form of rejection, and I must admit this out aloud so that I may heal, but rejection is what destroyed me, crushed my soul, ridiculed my self-esteem and physically made me fat. Rejection didn’t shove cakes, biscuits, chocolates and junk food down my throat. I did that and I did that very well by my own self, but rejection psychologically made me do it. Does this make sense?

I think back to the how I would try all these crazy diet fads and my goals were always sabotaged by either my self doubt, my disbelieve in myself, by rejection from people around me yet I feel so damn strong now. I can’t describe how strong and powerful and untouchable I feel now. Its almost like an electric current that runs through me and every time I have a touch of the self doubts or I hear someone trying (trying being the operative word) trying to bring me down or dog me I get zapped with this energy that says NO.

If you haven’t been banded and are thinking about it I want you to know that there are days when its so easy and then there are days which are really hard but I have this tool inside me that makes this process of weight loss just that tad easier. I’ve said it in my past entries that there are days when I want to place my whole fist in my mouth and rip the band out but then you see pants that were snug a few weeks ago now start to slip off then there is no greater feeling. For me personally, I have had difficulty with the haters rather than the vomiting, the restriction and so forth.

Anyways I’ve said a lot haven’t I?


Reney