Day 63 - It's okay now!! I can now piss sitting down.

Everybody relax!! Relax!! I don’t need medical attention anymore I am now able to bring my thighs together and I am able to sit down and take a slash.

Thank fuck for that is all I can say.

Well 9 weeks ago today I was banded…I cant believe it. In 9 weeks my whole world has been turned upside down, inside out and then upside down again.

Today was a great day for me, I have never felt this mellow…well okay I have back in 2000 whist visiting Amsterdam this little chooky went into one of them cafes, you know the ones I’m talking about don’t you? The ones that sell that choof and smoked a couple of spliffs – when in Rome I say, and got totally totally mellow. Well that’s seriously the last time I felt this mellow. Nothing bothers me, nobody is irritating me and I find harmony in my hate mail. Life sure is good. Its peachy.

Went to yoga tonight and day 4 of The Bikram Yoga Challenge was intense. So intense that Yogini bend me right over and had me touching my toes (SHUDDUP DON’T BE RUDE WITH THAT!!!) and had me resting my forehead on my thighs and made me stand there for what she claimed to be 60 seconds. It was a damn hard stretch to do and to hold it there and I know this is going to sound very hippy trippy but for the first time in my life my whole body just shook and trembled. From head to toe. It was hurting me everywhere and then to top things off my own tits were suffocating me. I can just see the newspapers “Overweight Yoga Devotee dies in Bikram Class due to death by tittie suffocation” Fuck I hate these bitches (my boobs) I want them off me.

By the way, very quickly I don’t get the male fixation on tits. I just can’t see what makes men go ga-ga over tits. I look down at my girls, my tits, and well, they are just these two round huge handfuls of flesh. I don’t get how a guy can get a boner, stiffy, erection, Big Johnson over tits. My HooHaa well that’s okay that’s another topic all together. To my male readers, can you please explain and help me out here?

Back to yoga, at the end of the class Yogini and a new Yogi I met this evening called Yogi Jack who I sat behind and had the best arse on a man I had ever seen in my entire 37 years of existence (I haven’t seen Henry Rollins arse close up so Henry if you read this sorry about that mate, everyone knows how much I respect you and think you are the perfect specimen of a male but alas my friend I cannot compare your arse to his, having said that if you want to email me photos of your arse and or your cock-a-doodle-doo feel free to, I wont judge you or your pink bits)

As I was saying, I was asked to stay back tonight and I was asked if I wanted to try a Yoga position which might help stimulate the right hormones and aide my digestion I was initially apprehensive as my mind went straight into the gutter and I thought “What the fuck do these two want to stimulate on me?” Then I told myself to stop being a twat and bring it on motherfuckers. So I was basically helped to do a handstand up against the wall and had Yogi Jack down at my face level guiding my breathing and puffing whilst Yogini protectively shielded my body so I wouldn’t fall over with one hand and with the other she slapped the soles of my feet for a few minutes and she slapped them very hard. (Ohhhh you dirty birds, your minds are disgraceful!!!) They cranked the heat up to about 45 Degrees Celsius and I seriously blocked out the heat. I had sweat just pouring down my body and stinging my eyes and I tasted my arse crack juice that was marinated in my Dolce & Gabbana Woman perfume. Yes folks I sprayed my arse today. I had a feeling I was going to taste my arse again.

I got home and rang my lovely Vicki J (God love ya girl, always such a delight to catch up with you) I had to reschedule our plans for tomorrow night as I am still on my Bikram Yoga Challenge. And yeah, we still want to have sex with our surgeon, but the way I am feeling I reckon I would be most satisfied with a dry hump. That would suffice for me. We got off the phone 47 minutes and 26 seconds later, shit we can talk. ManBoy then rang me to see how I was after Yoga and I was still all sweaty and took the handset into the bathroom and had a shower whilst my handset was on speaker.

ManBoy started: “Ohhhh what are you doing?”
R: “I’m taking my clothes off and jumping in the shower”
M: “Describe it a bit better”
R: “Listen pervert, I aint up for it tonight, I’m having a shower “
We both pissed ourselves laughing. It was hysterical I am sure my neighbours could hear but they already know that I am a freak.
I scrubbed myself squeaky clean whilst ManBoy read the paper to me over the phone.

Food wise was great today, I had 2 coffees, 3 litres of water and a pumpkin and feta rice ball and a babybel cheese and no dinner. My appetite is dissipating (is dissipating a word?)

So now here I sit, its 10.30pm and I am in my PJ’s with a towel wrapped around my head. I feel amazing, I feel alive, and I feel invigorated. and I feel happy, healthy and up for anything.

Reney