Day 51 – Danger Will Robinson

Firstly, if there are any guys who read this blog and are a tad squeamish about hearing about women and their Menstruation Cycle I kindly suggest you stop reading this blog entry right about NOW and go and find something else to entertain yourselves with. Go and play on your playstations or something. So here we go.

It’s that time of the month and I think I’m ready to die. Why has this got to happen each and every month? So I awoke this morning to the worst booby pain. My boobies were so tender and sore that putting my jumper on in the morning sent me gnashing my teeth together and heard me screaming ohhhhhhhh GGGGGRRRRRRRRAAAAHHHAAAAAAHH. Sharon & Athena (my breasts) have grown overnight. Man I hate this. I feel fat, I mean really fat but I realise that I am retaining water as Aunty Mabel is coming to pay me a visit.

Aunty Mabel is what I like to refer to as: my period, time of the month, rags, monthlies, menstruation, the curse, dysmenorrhea, and Danger Will Robinson. (And yes I do REALLY refer to my period as Danger Will Robinson as well)

For me personally my stress levels and anxiety levels start to go up. I stress out about the most trivial things for example; I was fretting about the fact that I couldn’t find my favourite biro at work yesterday. The biro in question was sitting ON my keyboard. ON my keyboard!!! Which leads to my next point forgetfulness. Most women are so darn forgetful when Aunty Mabel is visiting. Duh????

Then depression sets in “I’m fat I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m a no –hoper” which then sets off (drum roll please) THE CRYING.

Holy mother of God can I cry at the drop of a hat when Danger Will Robinson is visiting. I am usually a hard arse. I take no crap, BUT do I cry!!! Simple and stupid things can send me off. For example, if I see a mother pushing her baby in a stroller then someone please pass me the BOX of Kleenex. I will burst into tears and sob uncontrollably and let me add that I am not wanting a family of my own so I cannot understand or fathom why a mother and her baby triggers these tears.

My friend Alister (he is my ex-boyfriend but we are still good friends) used to freak out when he would say something like “hi Bugalugs” to me and I would burst into tears.

Mood Swings and Anger…Jeckyl and Hyde have got nothing on me. I can smile and joke with you one minute and then next I am fantasizing about grabbing a carving knife and stabbing you to bits. Bit by bit and then gouging your eyeballs out.

All I can think about is food and I crave the most bizarre concoctions of food. Like something sweet and savoury at the exact same time. Intense cravings for something and then I take one bite of it and I don’t want that I want something else. There have been times when I have wanted to lick a battery just to get that zap sensation. Freaky shit.

And lastly the cramps, ohhhhhh the cramps. And I am not talking about the band either I am talking about the ever consuming stitch like, stab like spasmodic pains in the abdomen. Ohhhhhh crap.

So this is what the average woman has to endure at least once a month and we are expected to put on our best smiles and not complain about how shit we feel. We are expected to function "normally" , be charming and witty and cook a man his meal and have it sitting on the dining table for him (That will NEVER happen in my world...EVER)

What does this entry have to do with the lap band? Well heaps, as a lot of women suffer from serious hormone issues when they are overweight. I’m one of them. I would get my period one-month and then nothing for a couple of months. Every time I went to the doctors they would tell me that once I had a child things would go back to normal. I wanted to scream “but I don’t want to have a child!!!!”

Since the lap band I have been so regular. Like clockwork and it amazes me that changing my diet has in turn made me regular again. You would think that doctors would tell you that rather than suggesting you go off and have a baby or put you on the pill.

My advice to guys who want to help their partners would be as follows:

1- Leave her alone
2- Don’t ask for sex
3- Don’t speak unless spoken to first
4- No eye contact
5- Keep feeding her chocolates
6- Give her complete control of the remote control
7- Do not touch the heater just let her deal with the temperature
8- Don’t go for the grope, our boobies are hurting BAD
9- Did I mention don’t speak unless spoken to first?

You get my jist right?


I leave you with a hilariously witty quote:

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr


Reney

P.S the photo is of a very bloated and tired Reney