Day 192 – Letting go emotionally of an unhealthy “ex”…

It’s been one of those days today. So much is going on around me and I have sat here on the sofa for the past 4 hours attempting to write something, anything for tonight’s blog entry.

For 4 hours I have typed pages and pages of stuff only to have me go back and read and re-read things and think NO I cant say that!!! NO I can’t type that. I realized that I had to write about my day and the emotions that I have had to endure.

So its now 10.00pm and I sit here reflecting on my day and I feel like the entire day just whizzed past me. It’s been a weird day as well as one that had me question myself and the relationships that I involve myself with and in. I have been playing The Ramones for the past 2 hours and they haven’t helped lift my mood (which is totally unheard of and blasphemous!!!)

I guess at 37 years of age I have come to the realization that I am really the only one to blame for the noxious and toxic bullshit that I tend to gravitate toward and invite into my life.

I woke up feeling that the “Oh-Oh’s” were about to come visiting me. I had this feeling of I dunno…trepidation about the day ahead. I just had this feeling that I was going to get some news that was going to confuse me. (And boy did it!!)

I spent the morning with mum and we went off to our local organic supermarket to do our groceries and have a cup of Joe. I then organized a catch up with my bestie V. So far all seemed to be going ok. (But shortly I was going to be thrown for a six)

Whilst waiting for V. standing in the 30+ degree heat in my parent’s driveway I receive an SMS message from Alister who tells me that he had gotten married. As I mentioned I was standing in my parent’s driveway at the time, in the heat and almost passed out. Like what the fuck? And why the fuck am I angry? I must back track and say that last night he sent me another sms during our Xmas dinner with the girls saying a HI must catch up.

Anyways, after emotionally picking myself up off my parents driveway and trying to not feel so winded I congratulated him and then he immediately SMS back and says that he is kidding about being married but he is involved with a lovely French girl and that he is very happy. I am happy for him I really and truly am but why does this man, whom I haven’t spoken to in about 2 months have the power of making me feel emotionally fucking confused?

Okay, you are all saying right about now that “she must be still in love with him” so let me paint you a little picture. In MY head and in MY heart, Alister and I shared something very special. Very special. I hid NOTHING from this man. Do I love him? Absolutely as a friend but I am not in love WITH him. He is not the right person for me, not then and not now and not ever. EVER. He is extremely dangerous for my soul.

I fell hard and fast for Alister when we first started dating but as time went by I realized that he is not the right person for me. In my heart, in my head and the doctrine that I follow I do not believe that lying to someone that you supposedly love is the right thing. He lied a lot to me whilst we were “dating”.

Bestie V and I went off for a coffee and I showed her my messages and begged her to lay it on the line and tell me what she honestly and truly thought. V. is a woman of few words and is a sensible realist type of character. I think she could see how in pain I was with the way Alister treats me and she laid her cards out on the table. God love ya V, I seriously don’t know what I would do without you.

After our coffee Bestie V and I walked around our shopping centre and I was there with her but not there. I walked around a bit stunned which in turn manifested into anger and then something just clicked in my head. The way this man treats me is juvenile, pathetic, sad and immature.
He has this desire I guess to want to rub HIS insecurities and HIS shit in my face and I stupidly allow it to get to me. (Can you see that I attract this sort of behavior from people) I need to tell this joker to fuck off once and for all. He is my PAST and he needs to stay there. He was no good for me then and he most certainly is no good for me now.

So today’s “Oh-Oh” was I guess a positive and healthy thing for me. I have realized I don’t need this sort of shit in my life now as I am on the road to recovery. How so? Well, ever since the Lap Band surgery I am slowly dealing with my demons, my insecurities, and my fears. I am also slowly starting to unsuppress my dreams, the dreams that I have always had tucked away as I felt that I could never achieve them as I was too fat, too ugly, too imperfect. . I am teaching and training not only my body but also my mind and my soul to learn to love myself and the people that matter around me.

Today is the day that I state here and now that it is time to let go of an emotionally, soul destroying, unhealthy “ex”…

Wow!!! I am now emotionally drained and hitting the sack!!


Reney

Day 191 – Xmas Dinner with the girls.

Wow what a day!!

I best start from the beginning. I woke up in the most foulest of foulest of moods today and was sooo depressed that I had to go to work. Yes another Saturday at work when I could have been doing a million and zillion one things at home. I walked in and didn’t even say hello to my fellow staff members, as I hated everyone this morning.

I got home and caught up quickly with my girls down at our local coffee shop, which was a laugh. Dee and Tashi were in their element today and really uplifted my mood.

I then got dressed up and went off to meet 6 girls for dinner. What was so special about dinner tonight? Well I had organized this Xmas Lapband Dinner as requested by a few of my readers and initially I had 15 definites which then ended up as being 6 definites which cuts to only 4 of us.

Do I sound disappointed? Coz I certainly aren’t!!! It was the best fucking night out with a group of chicks that I have EVER had. I laughed and laughed and we all shared stories and laughed some more.

The gorgeous Vicki J was there, the delightful Kira and the dazzling and magnificent Maree. We ate, we drank (yay I managed 1 glass of champagne and only had the heads spins for a little bit) we bonded and I think I can safely say that I made 2 new friends.

It was such an awesome night and nights like this only reinforce that I have indeed made the right decision with the lap band.

Big love to my bitches Vicki J, Maree and Kira.

Reney

And one more thing…

In regards to my entry last night re: Mr. Michael Hutchence and the fact that I admitted out aloud that he is a frequent visitor in my dreams. I can assure you that:
(1) I was not joking, he indeed visits me in my dreams, when I sleep and dream that is,
(2) I have not lost my mind whatsoever,
(3) This blog is not only about the lap band this blog is all about ME, all of ME. If I chose to write silly things or write things that you don’t agree with then move along and hassle somebody else.

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!

Lastly and most importantly I guess, do not define me by having had the lap band alone, there is more to me, a lot more. I am showing you who I am as I slowly peel away my skin. Love me or hate me that’s your call but don’t be “concerned” with my life, my thoughts, my beliefs. If you feel that I am conjuring up evil spirits by stating the fact that I dream about a deceased pop star then may I suggest you visit you local GP and ask for a fucking referral to go and see a psychiatrist.

Peace Out!!!

Reney

Day 190 – Death by exercise

It’s Friday finally. It’s been such a long week and a tiresome one at that but we officially have only 25 days till Christmas yay!!! I can’t wait to finally chill out and have a few weeks off work. I think I have mentioned this like a dozen times just this week alone. I just so need a break.

Its funny how this time of year patients want to see the dentist before the holidays start. There has been this insane demand to be seen. I’m not grumbling, hell no, as I’m ever so grateful to have a job and I guess in a sense these patients are what pay my wage but answer me honestly guys would you seriously rush to the dentist just before Christmas?

So work was great, food was great and exercise was great today (more about the exercise bit a bit further down the track). I finished work and raced to my local shopping centre to buy some milk and eggs and had a quick coffee with my mum.

I then went to the gym with ManBoy and the bastard worked my arse off. Ohhhh ahhhh I think that sounds rude!!! Out of the gutter my lovelies. We went to his gym (I was given a guest pass) and I thought he was going to kill me.

He “demanded” I get on the bike and I was peddling ever so gently and thinking wow this is great, this is nice, this is so easy. Then he leans over and basically went beep beep beep with the buttons and I was beep beep beep about to fucking die as it got so hard. The bike my lovelies, the bike got hard.

20 minutes on the bike and my heart was thumping fast and loud and sounding like a John Bonham (Led Zeppelin drummer) drum solo. We spent 2 hours in the gym and I found absolutely positively no pleasure in tonight’s session whatsoever. ManBoy kicked my arse wholesale.

After we had finished on all the machines and the weights ManBoy led me to the “stretching” area and I just lay on the ground panting and trying to regulate my breathing.

I had everything sticking to me and looking extremely unattractive and ManBoy sits up close on top of me (I said get your filthy little minds outta the gutter you dirty birds) and he says:

M: great session babe, we should do this again tomorrow
R: fuck off
M: ha ha you are extremely funny
R: fuck off and die you sadistic bitch
M: uhhh come on babe, sadistic yes, bitch hmm no I don’t think so
R: you are infringing on my human rights you have tortured me, killed me, bought me back to life and done it all over again
M: Ohhh poor Reney
R: I’ll give you poor Reney you persecuted me
M: Come on lets get up and go for juice
R: fuck you and fuck your juice.

So we ended up back at ManBoy's place with me collapsed on his kitchen floor refusing to budge. Spread out like a starfish and ManBoy having to step over me to get to his fridge. He put on Queens of the Stone Age, and USUALLY I would be on his coffee table or on his sofa playing my air guitar and head banging, but alas all I could manage was to lay there and twitch.

Moral of today’s lesson, don't ever go to the gym with ManBoy as he is a sadistic bitch and thrives on kicking your arse. Who needs a personal trainer when I have Sadistic ManBitch!!

So now I am home and about to jump in the shower and hit the sack as tomorrow is going to be a BIG day.

Reney

Day 189 - Michael Hutchence visits me in my dreams.

Yes it sounds crazy but I have had dreams where Michael Hutchence is a regular visitor. I’ve always said and believed that Michael Hutchence is my guardian angel. Are you guys pissing yourselves laughing right about now?

My obsession with Michael Hutchence started I dunno about 20 years ago. I remember having his picture stuck all inside my school locker and day dreaming during math’s class that he was going to come to my high school and he was going to pull me up on stage and I was going to be a back up singer in INXS. How fucked was I?

I was never really an INXS fan as such, as my taste in music has always been a tad to the left of centre. But I remember seeing him play the lead character in an AWESOME (and one of my fav movies) Dogs in Space and my tongue hit the floor and I went YES this is what its all about. Quick synopsis about the movie Dogs in Space. It’s a film set in 1978 Richmond Melbourne (and YES I have even tracked down the actual house where it was filmed!) where a collection of social misfits live togethor. Michael’s character Sam is a musician who has a rather strange relationship with his girl, with his music and with their drug use.

I remember wagging high school with my then best school friend DL and watching it at the movies. We did this for 4 days straight. The movie was made in 1987 and I still have this need and desire to watch it at east 4-5 times per year. DL and I were so obsessed with this movie that we used to recite the ENTIRE movie word for word. Fucking hell we were obsessed!

So ever since about 1995 Michael Hutchence has always come to me in my dreams and doesn’t ever speak to me but just gives me an evil grin, or he winks at me or nods at me. Last night though he spoke to me. I dreamt that I was at a dinner party and I knew nobody there and then all of a sudden Michael appeared by my side and leant down towards me to kiss my cheek as he withdrew his kiss he says “Don’t eat the clam chowder if you do your left ear lobe and right arse cheek will become red and inflamed” and with that I awoke feeling sooo fucking confused.

Come back Michael!! Come back I don’t understand what you meant!!!

I still cannot believe that Michael has been gone for 10 years.

Anyways, theres not much else to report. I just thought I might let you all into my head for a bit and see the other side of me. Hope you had a laugh!

Reney

Day 188 - All is well in Reney Land…for once!

It’s been a good day, even though it was a rather routine like sort if day. I woke up, I went to work, finished work and then caught up with Gee and the girls at a local coffee shop for a quick cup of coffee and hugs and kisses from Tashi and Dee.

I barfed my lunch and it was rather quick and painless but managed a bowl of lentil soup for dinner and that went down and stayed down.

I guess my only negative thing was 3 small cases of my heart racing throughout the day but hey it didn’t kill me and sadly for all you guys I am still alive and breathing. Muahahahaha.

That’s been my day in a nutshell. Relatively quiet, relatively boring, relatively routine like.

May everything be as cruisey in your world as it is in mine.

Peace out

Reney

Day 187 – I fainted!!!

Ohh man!! You will not believe the morning I had. My alarm screamed at 6.00am and I opened my eyes and just felt groggy and blah. I lay there for about 20 minutes dozing and then I sat up in bed, swung my legs over the bed, and with my heart race. BRRRRRR BRRRRRR BRRRRR. I felt all clammy and sweaty and the fighter in me said “No, nothing is wrong, just get up and get ready for work” I stood up and BANG hit the deck!

Yeps I fainted. I don’t know how long I was out for but I came to on the ground and Elvis was barking and going apeshit. My poor dad let himself in and hearing Elvis going off and not responding to his commands he ran into my bedroom to find me on the ground. He helped put me back to bed and I rested.

I feel defeated. I feel deflated. I feel depleted, BUT I will overcome this like I overcome everything else in my life. Absolutely positively nothing is going to slow me down and get in my way. I mean that BUT at the same time I cannot comprehend why all this fucking bull crap is happening and YES I guess I am sort of feeling sorry for myself. BOOHOO right? I had the lapband surgery to better me but I feel like I am on some sort of roller coaster rider. I thought roller coaster rides were supposed to be fun. I am very aggravated and annoyed. But as hypocritical as this is sounding I will overcome this little obstacle.

I went to see my GP who kept taking my blood pressure, my pulse rate over and over and tells me that I seem to be a little all over the place. Yeah no shit Sherlock I was thinking to myself. Dr.S knows me too well though as he asked: "What's the smirk for?" All I could do was shrug my shoulders and grunt. So I now have to have a Holter Monitor put on. Fucking great I say. I’ve had one of these on a few years back and I got so frustrated with it that I recall ripping it off in the middle of the night and frisbee-ing it across my bedroom.

So now its 8pm and I have to say I am feeling a lot better apart from this inane guilt for not going to work. I hate letting people down. I hate letting my team down and I don’t know how I am going to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I have done something wrong even though I haven’t. I’m a Whacko Jacko I know.

Happily I got to watch The Bra Boys once again…that’s a total of 18 times in a span of 2 weeks. Today I watched it with the sound down and just watched the beautiful and gorgeous surfer boys doing their barrels and tubes.

I would love to be able to surf. The freedom of it all.

Reney