It’s been one of those days today. So much is going on around me and I have sat here on the sofa for the past 4 hours attempting to write something, anything for tonight’s blog entry.
For 4 hours I have typed pages and pages of stuff only to have me go back and read and re-read things and think NO I cant say that!!! NO I can’t type that. I realized that I had to write about my day and the emotions that I have had to endure.
So its now 10.00pm and I sit here reflecting on my day and I feel like the entire day just whizzed past me. It’s been a weird day as well as one that had me question myself and the relationships that I involve myself with and in. I have been playing The Ramones for the past 2 hours and they haven’t helped lift my mood (which is totally unheard of and blasphemous!!!)
I guess at 37 years of age I have come to the realization that I am really the only one to blame for the noxious and toxic bullshit that I tend to gravitate toward and invite into my life.
I woke up feeling that the “Oh-Oh’s” were about to come visiting me. I had this feeling of I dunno…trepidation about the day ahead. I just had this feeling that I was going to get some news that was going to confuse me. (And boy did it!!)
I spent the morning with mum and we went off to our local organic supermarket to do our groceries and have a cup of Joe. I then organized a catch up with my bestie V. So far all seemed to be going ok. (But shortly I was going to be thrown for a six)
Whilst waiting for V. standing in the 30+ degree heat in my parent’s driveway I receive an SMS message from Alister who tells me that he had gotten married. As I mentioned I was standing in my parent’s driveway at the time, in the heat and almost passed out. Like what the fuck? And why the fuck am I angry? I must back track and say that last night he sent me another sms during our Xmas dinner with the girls saying a HI must catch up.
Anyways, after emotionally picking myself up off my parents driveway and trying to not feel so winded I congratulated him and then he immediately SMS back and says that he is kidding about being married but he is involved with a lovely French girl and that he is very happy. I am happy for him I really and truly am but why does this man, whom I haven’t spoken to in about 2 months have the power of making me feel emotionally fucking confused?
Okay, you are all saying right about now that “she must be still in love with him” so let me paint you a little picture. In MY head and in MY heart, Alister and I shared something very special. Very special. I hid NOTHING from this man. Do I love him? Absolutely as a friend but I am not in love WITH him. He is not the right person for me, not then and not now and not ever. EVER. He is extremely dangerous for my soul.
I fell hard and fast for Alister when we first started dating but as time went by I realized that he is not the right person for me. In my heart, in my head and the doctrine that I follow I do not believe that lying to someone that you supposedly love is the right thing. He lied a lot to me whilst we were “dating”.
Bestie V and I went off for a coffee and I showed her my messages and begged her to lay it on the line and tell me what she honestly and truly thought. V. is a woman of few words and is a sensible realist type of character. I think she could see how in pain I was with the way Alister treats me and she laid her cards out on the table. God love ya V, I seriously don’t know what I would do without you.
After our coffee Bestie V and I walked around our shopping centre and I was there with her but not there. I walked around a bit stunned which in turn manifested into anger and then something just clicked in my head. The way this man treats me is juvenile, pathetic, sad and immature.
He has this desire I guess to want to rub HIS insecurities and HIS shit in my face and I stupidly allow it to get to me. (Can you see that I attract this sort of behavior from people) I need to tell this joker to fuck off once and for all. He is my PAST and he needs to stay there. He was no good for me then and he most certainly is no good for me now.
So today’s “Oh-Oh” was I guess a positive and healthy thing for me. I have realized I don’t need this sort of shit in my life now as I am on the road to recovery. How so? Well, ever since the Lap Band surgery I am slowly dealing with my demons, my insecurities, and my fears. I am also slowly starting to unsuppress my dreams, the dreams that I have always had tucked away as I felt that I could never achieve them as I was too fat, too ugly, too imperfect. . I am teaching and training not only my body but also my mind and my soul to learn to love myself and the people that matter around me.
Today is the day that I state here and now that it is time to let go of an emotionally, soul destroying, unhealthy “ex”…
Wow!!! I am now emotionally drained and hitting the sack!!
Reney
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4 comments:
He is only powerful because you give him the power girly - don't let him mindfuck you any more! Visualise putting all the shit he carries and has put you through, in a big cardboard box, tape it up securely and have an imaginary bonfire - burning with it all the negative shit that he brings with himself.
You exude positivity from every pore and deserve to only have people who do the same around you.
Kick him to the curb girlfriend with n'ary a backward glance!!!!
Maree
xxx
reney, what maree has said is right, and with that imaginary bon fire bit, can i please come? i need to do my own of that at the moment aswell!
I dont know how and why males fuck with our minds so much, do they think it is funny? I have been awak since when ever i got up yesterday morning, i couldnt sleep last night from all the stuff going on, i am exhausted but my bed has crap on it as i went and got it all last ngiht and today :)
You need to leave him in the past, it will do yourself good!
Hun,
I dont want to ever hear you mention this assholes name again to me. I have told you time and time again that he is not worthy of your love or of your attention.
To hear you cry out of sheer frustration last night was really hard for me as I was unable to do anything to comfort you.
The guy is a prick
T.
holy shit, you go girlfriend!! this is a huge step fwd IMHO. never met A, (never met you for that matter ;o)! ) but v proud of you for having this realisation.... I had one of those ex's once.... I still liken him to the closest I would ever get to a heroin habit. he was very hard to give up but I would have been slowly killing myself otherwise! enjoy the freedom and read this post whenever you feel the drag back into the web. love Angel xx ps love the michael hutchence story - i would be locked up for sure if i published my wierd dreams ;o)
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