There are days like today which leave me feeling so drained and exhausted both physically and emotionally. I woke up this morning (at the crack of fucking dawn!) and did my grocery shopping with mum and then ran around my house cleaning and tidying and doing the usual boring housework shit. Grrr I hate housework.
I then decided that a nanna nap was the order of the day so off I went and sprawled myself on my bed and fell straight asleep on my face with Elvis by my side. I was then awoken to the front door bell ringing and Elvis barking like a freak. I sat up in bed and tried to get my bearings, like where am I? What time is it? How long was I asleep for? I looked through my blinds to see who had arrived and I saw a very unfamiliar car. I waddled to the door and opened it and who do I see? It’s Mr. T !!!!
T. is down for the weekend to attend a wedding and since the whole event is taking place near my home he decided to pop on over for coffee and hugs. I can’t believe I have my boy down again, that’s two times in a month. T. is such a freak! He arrived in Melbourne this morning at 7am and is catching an early morning flight home tomorrow. I begged T to stay over but he wants to go to some club after the wedding reception. Let me translate that for you, he is going to the wedding this evening, then after the wedding he along with his troop of gorgeous men will wander off to some club and party like its 1999 (Thank you Prince, Symbol, whatever the fuck your name is, mad song) and he will not sleep, party all night long and catch the early plane back to Sydney and the second he gets home he collapses for the next 24 hours. If reincarnation is indeed a real thing that happens to us then may I please come back as a gay man?
I begged T to take me with him to the party and he said this, which had me pissing myself laughing:
T: No hun, where I am going is no place for a woman such as yourself to attend, it’s only for gay eyes
R: Ohhh come on let me come with you, its not like any man is going to touch me, and gay eyes that’s sexist and discriminatory. I have gay eyes! I like to look at gay men with my gay eyes!
T: Well you have a point but that’s not the point. A man has got to do what a man has got to do and having you there well, ahem, it could be difficult.
R: Ohh come on T tell me where are you going and bring little Reney with you, I promise to behave and you wont even know I’m there I will be quiet as a mouse, I wont let out any “ohmigods” I wont fan myself when a hunk walks past me, ahhhh go on!
T: Ahem, cough, ahhhh, no. I’m sorry it’s just not possible
R: Possible Schmossible
We sat down and talked and I let T read my blog and he left some rude comments using my name and thank God I had the power to delete them. Ahhh gay men can be so vicious. Yes I am sounding rather stereotypical but if you only could have read what he wrote! I can assure you it wasn’t on the nice side.
We lazed around outside as it is such a gorgeous day and then ventured out for a walk with Elvis. I miss not having T here with me; he is such a good friend. We strolled arm in arm with T holding Elvis' lead and we walked in the sunshine for an hour.
We got back home and sipped some green tea and hung out and I was grateful to have T encourage and motivate me. He always manages to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel and to see the good in things and in people. God love ya little cotton socks T.
It made me think how lucky I am to have such a supportive family and such a motivator like T in my life. We were looking through some old photos on his mobile phone of my last visit to Sydney. I was HUGE. No I mean HUGE. Like a bus. I looked unhealthy and gray and I was a heart attack ready to happen.
My face was huge and my arse and thighs, were I tend to store the most of my fat were massive. I looked gross and generally unhappy. I cringed and demanded that he put his phone away as I couldn’t stand looking at myself (show me an overweight person who likes looking at photos of themselves)
T. says to me, “You know Reney, you were such a joker and prankster back them and totally wild and outrageous but now you have this mellow-ness about you and yet you are still funny but there has been a major notable change not only on the physical aspect but on the emotional and personality aspect as well. And it’s so nice to see you become the woman that you have become.” It was such a nice thing to say to me and it touched me.
I struggle with what I look like, my physical appearance and I are at wars with another and have been for years and years and I still find it hard to look at myself and see the changes. There are some days where I can see some changes but the majority of the time I don’t. But on my emotional path I can truly say that I see and feel changes. I am not as snappy as I used to be, I am a lot calmer about things, I see the humour in things that had me wanting to crack heads open in the past. My temper is still present but not in the same sense that it used to be. I was always ready to head butt with someone. Bring it on motherfucker used to be motto.
I think I wore hatred, negativity, bitchiness, rage, antagonism, rejection, annoyance, fury, and anger not only on my forehead but I wore it on my chest as well, as if it was some precious medal that had to be worn with pride. I walked around with this internal scream just going off continuously. That scream is still present but its not always just under the surface, is kind of lodged itself a bit deeper within. Does that make any sense? 5 months after surgery though I feel like I have mellowed out and calmed down significantly. Is this the beginnings of inner peace? Or am I just beginning to find myself?
I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I feel like my life has meaning and purpose now. I also feel like my journey or my life path is not about me walking in the dark feeling sad, troubled and angry whilst dodging bullets that were being fired my way. I feel like my journey is about walking in the bright day light, smiling and experiencing ME, enjoying ME, appreciating ME and finding ME, the real ME. Who I really am for once.
Life is good, even with all the obstacles, even with the insinuations and accusations that people make, even with the gossiping and backstabbing that we all go through, even with all the bad shit that we all have to go through and endure. You know I wouldn’t have life any other way I guess.
Peace Out!!!
Reney
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