I woke this morning in a lot of pain. Pain that has left me gasping for air. I feel like I have a twisted bowel. I have been stumbling around the surgery (my work place that is) like I have a huge pole shoved up my arsehole. And my entire upper body crouched over. If I stay seated then the pain is very minimal if I stand up and move I am gasping for air.
I have been on the phone with Mr Wonderful Surgeon all of yesterday and today and he has been just the most gorgeous specimen of a human being. I have to say that I definitely see the humour in our phone calls. This mornings phone call was hysterical. I rang him as promised.
Doc - “Now Reney, have you had a bowel movement?”
Reney: “Yes Doc, I’ve done my pooh”
Doc: “Can you tell me a bit more about it?"
Reney: “Well I woke up and went to the toilet and sat down and”
Doc: “No I mean can you describe your stools to me”
Reney: “Ohhhhhh, I getcha”
So I went into describing my crap. Colour, texture and whether they were floaties or not.
Doc: “Now have you swallowed any foreign objects?”
Reney: “Hahahahahahaha Doc are you serious? What are you suggesting? I’m not that type of girl Doc?’
Doc: “I’m not suggesting anything I’m just asking you a question”
I could hear him trying to keep it together and not burst out laughing. Ahhhh could this be our version of phone sex???
Everyone at work was really supportive and brilliant today and made me feel like a special little cup cake. They all kept insisting that I go home but Reney likes to play the martyr.
I’m off to see Mr Wonderful Surgeon tomorrow so hopefully my pain will have subsided by then or I’m off for “Greek Style”. I mean if things haven’t settled then I am off for a colonoscopy to see whether I have a twisted bowel or a bowel obstruction. I can’t believe this but I have to laugh. If I don't laugh I am going to cry.
I spoke to my lovely T. last night. He made me make a promise to him and that was that I had to try to stay focused. His comments sort of struck a cord in me. T. knows me too well as sometimes I feel that its so hard to stay focused and easier to just give up. Especially when I am hurting emotionally. Which I have been these last few days.
You know there are days when I personally feel and have felt that it is easier to just give up and that’s what my past used to be like. I still get waves of that at times when I try and convince myself that it is easier to just not bother with it all. Why is my head so fucked up? That’s what is so frustrating. Deep down could I still be a defeatist?
Once upon a time I would allow, yes I admit, I would allow other peoples personal issues affect me and destroy me and crush me. But not any more. If you can’t handle that I want to be happy and healthy then you can fuck off. I have always supported family and friends to the nth degree. I am not a jealous person I have always been happy for my family and friends but sadly, someone who was like a sister to me turned on me. Just stopped talking to me when she found out about my surgery and then rubbished my name to everyone and anyone.
What’s really sad is that she wont let me see my goddaughter Dee and Tash and that’s what breaks my heart. Tash all 7 years of age rings me all the time and cries down the phone not understanding why her mummy wont let her come over to my place.
What do I say to her? What can I say to her? Your mother, my darling is fucked? Your mother and grandmother hate me? Your mother needs me to smash her head in with my hammer and black leather dildo? Your grandmother is a cunt? What do I say to this gorgeous child?
Now their hatred, jealously and fucked in the headness is driving me and pushing me to succeed. I will show them and anybody else who hates me what I will become and I will achieve this. I understand that its their insecurities that have caused all this but WHY can't these people be happy for me?
Could this stress be what is hurting my innards?
I looked to Henry Rollins for some inspiration today and I found this comment which hit home for me:
“It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.”
Henry Rollins.
Reney
P.S - Vicki J, I just wanted to wish you all the best for your first fill tomorrow.
7 comments:
I love that quote. I think we all spend our lives playing roles in other people's lives, and when you're the girl with the weight problem you fill a lot of roles in many people's lives. What they don't realise is, same as they are struggling to understand the change, it is ten times harder for you. I was best friends with someone for ten years and had to spend all that time playing second fiddle to anyone else she found who was less successful, more fucked up, more insecure than I was because then she coudl be the bigger person. Once she found someone like that, she dropped me completely. I feel sorry thatyou are missing out on the little girls but you are lucky to have competely rid yourself of such "toxicity". Good luck Reney and hope your tummy feels better!
Hi Reney,
Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you for the person you are inside. Let the blood suckers fall away from your life, you know the ones, they thrive on others unhappiness and insecurities.
If you want to be the strong, happy,beautiful, secure, healthy, and skinny person I know is within you.. BLOCK them out !!!
Hope you are feeling better soon, stop standing on your head girlfriend, your insides are confused.....
I think your gorgeous
Luv Tarn xxx
Dear Sis,
As your brother and someone who loves you more than life itself - (have you picked yourself up off the floor yet?) - I have told you time and time again, to not waste time on these ungrateful lackeys. Turn your back on them like I did years and years ago and save yourself the heartache and pain.
Don't waste your time and love on ingrates but give your kindness and love to those who deserve it.
Hey Girl,
I'm sorry that your friend has turned on you and made it difficult for you to see her child who you obviously love. Seriously thought, you've done so much already and lost so much weight through exercise and eating better. YOU GO GIRL, keep doing what you're doing and show the fuckers out there who doubt you just how strong a woman you are...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!
Cathy
Oh Reney, such toxic "friends" are unfortunately common. As you lose the weight from your body, lose the weight of others preconceptions from your mind. You are you and you owe noone anything except yourself. You need to breath and take time for yourself to let go of all the angst, negativity and bullshit that other people lay at your feet. Her issue is just that - her issue, don't you dare take on any of her fucked up crap - you are a wonderful human being with all your joys and foibles and you need to worship at the temple that is you. She can worship at your freckle!!!
As for your tummy, I think you're holding onto the angst and unhappiness this toxin is causing - let it go darl!!! Get rid of her influence and your tummy soreness in one giant fart to the world!!!! Heee Hee!
Sorry, got a tad carried away there - but you get my drift!!!
Stay strong woman!
Maree (hoyma68)
Hi Reney,
Do not let assholes get you down. You are inspirational to so many people and especially to me and your always so positive and confident, please dont let those ididots get you down.they will come around people always do.
Also how sexy are you looking? how much weight have you dropped now? Your face is smaller and you really do have the most beautiful eyes.
You are beautiful. dont take offence to this but you have to be the first greek background person I have seen who has such light eyes and complexion.
Paul from Freo, WA
Reney...Just a theory from Aunty Jules to help you through this. True friends are ones that you can rely on, who are there for you no matter what, to support and nourish you as you change and evolve. You can't be there for people who are changing into fucked up morons cause the shit that they give off will hit the fan and affect you. No use being shit spattered. Think of them as dairy products who have unfortunately gone passed their "üsed by date". Go on your journey and stay focussed cause they'll be others out there to be friends and do what friends should do.
When your god daughter rings talk to her about other things and re-assure her that even though you have distance between the families it doesn't have to affect all the relationship that you have with them and tell them that you are there for them.
Hope you feel better and that the pain isn't anthying too sinister.
Take Care
Jules
PS. Supported the funky look of the dress over the pants thing for Erin. That would really suit her.
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